Look into my Eyes

If you are a parent, you've certainly expereinced a time where you said something to your child, and you were completely ignored. It can be infuriating to repeatedly tell a child to stop hitting her fork on the table, that it's time for bath, or to please put on his shoes. Even when you are doing all of the things the experts say to do in order to increase cooperation - giving choices, making it into a game - they may still ignore you.

There can be a few reasons for this. First, they may be fully engaged in what they are doing and they actually cannot hear you. Second, they hear us talk at them all day long, so they have a tendency to tune us out. And, third, they may not want to do what you are asking, so they choose not to hear. I think we usually assume that the third reason is always the case, but it's actually not. This is where some parents can overreact and create a battle that wasn't brewing in the first place.

So, what can we do? It seems that all three of these reasons can be overcome, or at least on the way to being overcome, by properly getting the child's attention. Next time your first (or tenth) request has been ignored, try this:

1. Get down on his or her level, and in their personal space. Kids are less likely to hear us if we talk to them from across the room. Walk over to them, squat down and touch their arm.



2. Say, "____, please look at my eyes." Repeat this until they acknowledge you.



3. They may turn away or try to get away. This could mean that they really don't want to stop what they are doing, or they don't want to do what you have requested. Hold them gently or gently hold their face in your hands. Move YOUR head so that they see your eyes. Don't try to move their head. This isn't a time to overpower your child. It's a time to get their attention in a positive way.



4. Once you've made eye contact, repeat your original request. Here's where the expert advice of giving choices comes in handy. My favorite way to formulate a request is this: Empathize (Wow, you are having so much fun playing with your cars. I bet you'd like to play all day long), set limit (It's time to get our shoes on so we can go to the store), give choices (Would you like to put them on in the house, or in the car?).



5. Ideally, they keep eye contact with you during your whole request. BUT, this is really hard for a child to do (it's hard for adults too). I at least want my son to look me in the eyes when I first start talking. This shows me that I've gotten his attention and I still usually get a response. If I don't, I'll ask him again to look at my eyes and I'll repeat the whole process.

This isn't a magic bullet (nothing is, right?), but it has certainly increased my son's ability to hear me. Unless there's something else going on, like he's mad at me from something else, he's tired or hungry, then this process almost always gets results.

One more point, regarding the choices. Please note that both choices should be acceptable to both you and your child. Don't say, "Would you like to come to the store with me, or should I leave without you?" hoping to threaten your child into coming. It's possible they will choose to stay home, and then you're in a position where you can't respect their choice and must force them to come.